I shall be exploring Empire of the Sharks, discovering its points of interest and questioning its subjects to rule if it should be built up or demolished. So read on only if you’ve already seen Empire of the Sharks, or don’t plan to.
0:00:32 On a sparse set that looks like a reject of Waterworld (Watercloset?) a woman rations out potable water to a young white male (Jack Amstrong as Timor), but runs out before she can serve a black woman and a Hispanic child. White Privilege: this film may be set in the future, but not that far into the future.
0:02:01 A bad tax collector comes to the Watercloset in a boat that resembles a scaled down version of a Fury Road vehicle. He’s probably called Miffed Max.
0:03:01 The head of the collection team (Jonathan Pienaar as Mason Scrim) tells the leader of the Watercloset that they have to double their tribute to Ian Fien if they want to continue receiving their fresh water supply. Yet Timor has been talking about making his own water, and I don’t think he means in the “Where’s the loo?” sense.
0:03:51 Scrim tells his crew to kidnap 6 women, one of whom rebels (Ashley de Lange as Willow) by grabbing a knife, until White Privilege restrains her.
Timor: You want to honour your father? Stay alive.
Blonde: Well, what about you?
Timor: I never had a father.
See, this concept sounds far more interesting than the one we’re watching.
0:05:44 To punish the protesting leader of Watercloset (Tshamano Sebe as Tustin Worth), Scrim attaches him to the prow of the boat and tosses a plastic container filled with electronics into the ocean. When this device is activated, it calls all the nearby sharks who’ve been fitted with some sort of electronic receptor. In short, he gives the sharks the green light.
0:10:44 The hostages are taken to a neighbouring, only slightly larger community, that’s just as washed up.
0:12:54 Meanwhile, White Privilege and Black Power (Thandi Sebe as Sion) take a submersible to rescue their people. But a mouthful of RC sharks are unleashed like the dog this film is.
0:13:39 Lol, the sharks attack the submersible by rubbing against it rather than biting it.
0:14:15 My favourite part is when the sharks roar.
0:15:52 The submersible is leaking from where the sharks rubbed against it, so the fearless crew cannot stay in the depths. Which is understandable as there’s absolutely nothing deep about this film.
0:16:25 Meanwhile, in bad guy land, slaves are forced to manually crank a wind turbine!? WTF!? Don’t they know a wind turbine is meant to be doing the cranking?
0:17:17 John Savage (!?) as Ian Fien (like ‘I Am Fine’, but not really because he’s in this movie)! Wow, how the mighty have fallen like my standards.
0:25:51 In a wet bar, Timor and Sion meet a woman (Leandie du Randt as Nimue). She earns her keep by holding her breath in a bucket of water longer than anyone else. Timor is s definitely probably not thinking of other possibilities for that when he says this could come in handy when they break into the fortress where his people are kept hostage.
0:27:28 Timor approaches a bloke (Tauriq Jenkins as Edgar) who can miniaturise electronics to find the pea in a shell game, only to give his paltry winnings to other people queuing to lose money in the very same shell game.
0:29:32 Timor and Sion present their plan to Breathless (Nimue) and Mini Man (Edgar) and some chap they just found loitering on set. Mini Man will use his tech to ping the fortress so they know where the hostages and henchmen are located. Toby (Tapiwa Musvosvi), in his deep sea salvage suit (which, because this is the first time he’s on-screen, is literally a sight unscene) will blow open an entrance into the fortress. Big Breathless will hold her breath and lure the sharks away. Who needs success when you have a plan like this?
0:35:28 I just woke up from a nap during which the motley crew found a boat (which also includes parts for the water purifier) they’ll steal from the bad guys to attack the fortress. The boat, however, is so ugly that it’s not see-worthy.
0:37:59 The demolition ‘expert’ decided to blow up a boat full of the kidnappers, so now the kidnappers he didn’t blow up are angry. The only thing the expert totally blew up was the plan in his face.
0:39:22 Lol, the evil doers call hundreds of sharks to attack one skinny slapper tied to some pneumatic tubes. I feel bad for the sharks, tbh, because that bird has less meat and more bones than a chicken wing.
0:39:28 To make this scene even funnier, the woman is being recorded and her screams are being live streamed on scream radio and no one turns it off. Apparently, they’re more turned on than the microphone.
0:40:23 Now an old Asian man is attached to the tubes, but the system to control the sharks with the magic gloves doesn’t seem to be working. And you know sharks, they only attack humans when electronic impulses force them to.
0:40:52 Ian replaces the old bloke on the tubes with young blonde Willow. Evidently, if the magic gloves didn’t work before, it must be because sharks are like heterosexual men in a strip club. WTF!?
0:41:42 WTF!? The sharks didn’t attack the Asian man, but the bad guys are surprised by the lack of action only when the beasts don’t attack the blonde girl.
Ian (to his entourage): Take her away!
WTF!? Does this mean she wants him to continue torturing her?
0:45:22 The plan of returning the equipment is back on, but now, for some reason, is considered as failure. So the hardened woman who refused to join the team before (Camilla Waldman as Captain Ann Aldrin), decides to join because what was a plan is now a mistake.
The motley crude as they now stand:
- Timor: A human Disney cartoon who can’t act.
- Sion (Timor’s #2, not in the biological waste sense): A beautiful, strong black woman whose main conflict is that she’s trapped in this film.
- Nimue: A blonde diving specialist who has to concentrate to blink. Don’t hold your breath.
- Edgar: Technology expert from India, which is either a stereotype or redundant.
- Toby: Demolitions ‘expert’ with a short fuse who couldn’t even blow his nose.
- Captain Ann Aldrin: Badass who’s not as bad as she thinks is, unless we’re talking about her acting.
0:49:05 Iam Fine (Ian Fein) tells Willow that, at the last swath of earth before the water took over the entire planet, there was a man in the water who could control the sharks. He believes Willow can do the same with her amulet. Judging by how ugly it is, it’ll keep away more than just the sharks.
0:51:09 WTF!? Rather than simply taking off the pendant, they once again strap Weeping Willow to more inner-tubes to threaten her with another shark. Jesus, it’s not just the shark who’s going in circles.
0:56:08 Fein confiscates the amulet when the brain scan is unable to determine how Willow controls the sharks. She didn’t put up a fight — it is rather ugly, after all.
0:58:08 WTF!? Ian decides to attack the boat which is returning the property he insisted they bring him. The material will be as difficult to recover as John Savage’s career after this film.
1:02:08 Wow, O.K. The shark was headed for Timor, who’d fallen in the water, but then opted to attack the black man still on the boat. Proof that racists are cold blooded predators, and so are the producers of this movie.
1:06:08 Her nose plugging helped her ‘hold’ her breath for a ridiculously long time. Eventually, she fell prey to the sharks she lured away from Timor, so he could infiltrate the enemy Water Park-inson’s. In this film, it’s not just the blondes who are dumb.
1:09:16 WTF!? Why was Captain Anne even in this story? She drove a boat anyone could’ve driven and then, when the kamikaze shark approached, she violently grabbed the harpoon gun and aggressively missed the beast. The only thing she accomplished was to tell everyone to abandon ship when she failed.
1:09:32 After abandoning ship, Edgar is killed when a shark fin runs into him in a clear cut case of hit and swim. (Btw, there is no blood when anyone is victim to a shark attack in this film. WTF!?)
1:11:18 Willow controls the sharks remotely by placing her hand in the water through the bars of her cage. Too bad she didn’t do this earlier, whilst the men on her team were being killed. It would seem Willow isn’t as flexible as her name would lead us to believe.
1:12:14 Captain Ann and Sion swim directly into captivity because they’re as fed up with this film as we are. They’re strapped to inner-tubes and Willow is hooked up to a machine so Ian can read her mind while she controls the sharks into not eating her friends. But the joke’s on him, Willow doesn’t have a mind!
1:13:57 Willow controls the sharks into eating the enemy on the docks. Then, in a huge slice of WTF, Ian somehow uses the machine that was reading her brainwaves to make her fall asleep. He should’ve used a “Crooked Mother Moon Peach & Pomegranate” like the rest of the lads in the UK.
1:16:44 Willow is thrown into the ocean, where Timor rescues her after freeing the slaves turning the wind turbine. He then confronts Scrim in a fight sequence as terrible as it looks, before Willow awakens and bids a shark to attack him. The shark is apparently fond of junk food.
1:18:52 Timor and Willow must recover the equipment for the desalination machine, but on the way, Timor has his arse kicked by a thug who is eaten by a shark off the dock like everyone else in this film. Still, Timor being beaten up was the most realistic thing in this movie.
1:19:18 After Ian breaks Willow’s necklace.
Timor: The power resides within you. The amulet resonated with your power, it was never the source! You. Are. A. Shark Caller!
😂😂😂 That line is dead.
1:21:07 Willow uses her shark magic to make the beasts turn tail.
1:21:34 Willow is able to turn off the electronic sensors on the sharks and force them to jump Ian.
- WTF!?’s: 24 royal ones
- When to Follow: When you have copious amounts of drugs but aren’t in the mood to have a party. Invite a couple of friends over and OD on the kitsch (and not the drugs).
- Where’s This Found: You know me by now, and are well aware I’m a great fan of Mockbusters, so you won’t be surprised to learn I’ve attributed 7 F’s to Empire of the Sharks. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is high quality film making, but it does achieve exactly what it sets out to achieve which is nothing more than putting images in front of your eyes for 90 minutes. It’s so terrible that it’s enjoyable and it’s so generous that it doesn’t care if you laugh with it or at it. Out of a possible 10, I have 7 F’s to give
- What To Feedback:
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
Bar None Review
366 Weird Movies Review
If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook!
It’s the easiest — and nicest! — way to say ‘Thank you’.