WTF: Singularity (2017)

Singularity 03 SC White Out 23WTF Saint Pauly

Singularity 01 poster 123WTF Saint Pauly

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be searching Singularitys sole purpose, singling out it’s defaults and interrogating its individuals to determine if it’s one of a kind or one bad mother. So read on only if you’ve already seen Singularity, or don’t plan to.

Watch SINGULARITY here

Singularity 30 SC Bored to death 123WTF Saint Pauly
Watch this film and you too could be bored to death

0:00:57 From the opening cards we learn that Elias Van Dorne and his company, VA Industries, built robots the world loved. Then he manufactured super robots to finish all wars, but they backfired because, evidently, Elias Van Dorne has never seen Robocop . Or I Robot / ChappieThe Terminator / any other science fiction film ever.

Singularity 02 collage Recycled 123WTF Saint Pauly
Recycled [the inset shows the robots from Robocop and Chappie]
0:01:49

Singularity 03 Cinematography Cinematography, NY 123WTF Saint Pauly
Made in China

0:02:51 In 2020, Van Dorne created a new super robot called Kronos, because he hasn’t learned anything about creating super robots since his last batch that wanted to take over the world.

0:03:28

Damien: They’re not ready for Terminator Skynet Kronos!
Elias: It’s the only way!
Damien: Elias, you know what Kronos is capable of!
Elias: Capable of saving Earth from self destruction!

I detest films that speak in exclamation marks.

0:04:51 The film’s shots, angles, odd lighting and ridiculous lens effects are amateurish. The director has made a direct to DVD film in an age where DVDs no longer exist.

Singularity 04 SC White Out 23WTF Saint Pauly
White out

0:05:23

Singularity 05 SC Let's just call them 'effects' 123WTF Saint Pauly
Let’s just call them ‘effects’, because there’s nothing special about them

0:05:42 We are introduced to young professional Andrew Davis (Julian Schaffner) who’s paying a visit to his ailing mum (Eileen Grubba). She’s not going to be around long enough to worry about technology conquering the world. She doesn’t look like she’s going to be around to worry about breakfast tomorrow.

0:06:52 When Elias appears on the telly to introduce Kronos, Davis leaves his mum before she has time to finish her first glass of plonk. The wine is probably better company than he, however, and definitely less fruity.

0:07:12 All the screens in all the world magically show an image of Van Dorne presenting the launch of Kronos. #HairyHoudini #DavidCopafeel

0:08:06

Singularity 06 GIF In one ear and out the other 123WTF Saint Pauly
In one ear and out the other

Elias: Tonight, this night, we enter a new age.

Yes, the Awkward Age.

0:08:30

Singularity 07 cinematography London, so hot right now 123WTF Saint Pauly
London, so hot right now

Lol, while blowing up the world, Kronos announces (without the use of speakers) that there’s no need to worry! WTF!? That said, I know of some actual news channels who are saying the same thing under the same circumstances.

0:10:30 After the big announcement and the big mass destruction, Elias’s #2 (Carmen Argenziano as Damien Walsh) finally clues in that Kronos has been turned on. Perhaps it only seems obvious to me because I, too, can get a little crazy when turned on.

Singularity 08 SC A hot head 123WTF Saint Pauly
Such a hot head

0:11:06 Seriously, does no one involved with the film know that 100 mph (miles per hour) is equivalent to 170 kilometres per hour and is far too fast for someone following a city bus? Do you follow me?

Singularity 09 SC Think fast 123WTF Saint Pauly
Think fast!

0:11:20

Singularity 10 SC That burning sensation 123WTF Saint Pauly
That burning sensation

0:11:34 We are now skipping 97 years into the future. When you don’t know if you should Lol or WTF!? 😂

0:12:48 OK, now it’s just plain stupid. Despite being 100 years after the previous scene, we see Andrew Davis waking up in a pit and Elias watching him via monitors and neither of them have aged. Wow, those 97 years must’ve passed by very quickly.

0:13:01

Singularity 11 SC Damien has a bright idea 123WTF Saint Pauly
Damien has a bright idea

0:14:11 While Andrew wanders a forest looking like a lost puppy, we’re subjected to a vice-off monologue by a young woman telling us most of the human survivors are inherently evil, but that she’s part of a group which is 100% goodness. This sort of black and white thinking sounds fairly evil, should you ask me. And you should.

0:14:32 Andrew forages through an abode to secure a cheap gold pendant that would be too feminine for him were he anyone else.

0:15:28 Ah, we learn Elias and Kronos have in fact created Andrew (Ax-9) — he’s a robot so independent he believes himself to be human. As long as the writer doesn’t make that same mistake.

Singularity 287 SC Lights on after the apocalypse 123WTF Saint Pauly
“So, if this is after the apocalypse, who’s in the buildings behind us?”

0:15:42 Ax-9’s a lite honey pot meant to follow the female narrator to the utopia of Aurora, so Kronos can learn the secret city’s whereabouts. If there’s one thing robots hate, it’s utopia.

0:16:33 Believe it or not, the special effects aren’t the worst part of this film…

Singularity 12 SC An automatic weapon 123WTF Saint Pauly
An automatic weapon

0:17:59 Oh no! 😂😂😂 A cheap Katniss Everdeen clone is the female lead (Jeannine Wacker as Calia)! Let’s call her Catnip Overdone…

Singularity 13 SC A bad ass with no ass 123WTF Saint Pauly
A bad ass with no ass is just plain “bad”

0:22:27 Catnip goes all day not knowing a boy who was literally born yesterday is following her. When she finally catches him, he confesses to not hearing about Armageddon (!?), and yet she’s still not suspicious? Armageddon fed up!

0:23:44 Ax-9 examines his pendant after learning catnip has the exact same. He seems effeminate and she looks butch, so we’ll call them The Hunger Gays.

Singularity 14 SC The Hunger Pains 123WTF Saint Pauly
The Hunger Pains

0:28:28 WTF!? Catnip has to tell Ax-9 that trains haven’t existed in 69 years and he hasn’t had a bite of food in all the time she’s known him, yet she still doesn’t suspect he’s more of a plant than a fern in a factory?

0:29:57

Singularity 15 SC Nighttime was worst 123WTF Saint Pauly

Like your grammar: ‘the worst’.

0:33:10 Kronos is meant to be extremely intelligent, yet the drones sent to look for Andrew (Ax-9) and Calia (Catnip) don’t even bother to look behind chairs. Kronos is worst.

0:36:34 Catnip tells us that the brothers (presumably Elias and Damien) who created Kronos now live inside him to be immortal. This sounds sexual in ways I can’t imagine.

0:36:58

Singularity 16 SC The Tinker 123WTF Saint Pauly
Statue of Limitations

0:39:31

Andrew: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t you think I should have a weapon or something?

WTF did she give him, an STD? (Stupid Tickling Device)

Singularity 17 SC Fork You 123WTF Saint Pauly
Fork You!

0:42:02 Calia talks about her life growing up in a post-apocalyptic land, and it sounds almost as hard as staying awake through her story.

0:46:21 In a forest, bad humans chase Calia and Andrew. Andrew trips, so the bad humans catch him while Calia runs on, barely even slowing down. Andrew is like half an ass: left behind.

Singularity 18 SC Fashion apocalypse 123WTF Saint Pauly
Fashion apocalypse

0:48:14 A man who doesn’t know how to wear a beret (Pavlo Bubryak as Cassiem) captures Calia as she’s trying to free Andrew. You’ll laugh loudest when he starts sniffing her face.

Singularity 19 GIF He smells bad 123WTF Saint Pauly
He smells bad

0:49:06 Andrew uses superpowers, breaks his rope bonds and saves Calia from the men who’ve unzipped her coat and are trying to look at her bra strap.

0:49:27

Damien: He’s stronger than the others.
Elias: Evolution has run its course.

Since the apocalypse, Damien’s job is to simply state the obvious, while Elias’s job is simply to be WTF.

0:50:10 After Cheap Guevara stabs Andrew, Catnip stabs Cheap Guevara who bleeds so much from his back that her hands are bloodier than Lady Macbeth having her period.

Singularity 20 SC This tampon sucks 123WTF Saint Pauly
This tampon sucks!

0:51:24 WTF!? Instead of letting Andrew lay down and recover, Catnip makes him rise and walk all day to a piece of dirt…where he can lay down and recover.

0:52:54 Apparently this strategy wasn’t as effective as she thought because he died while she slept. Either that or he’s faking it and hoping she’ll leave him alone so he’s free to follow his gay agenda.

0:53:30 Faking it or not, when he jerks alive Catnip sees he’s an android. If only she’d tried to treat the wound instead of taking him on a forced march, she’d have discovered this earlier.

Singularity 21 SC Heartless 123WTF Saint Pauly
Heartless

0:55:58 While Andrew discovers his original, human tombstone in a cemetery, he’s collected by a Halo robot clone and wakes up in a lab. First he was dead, now he’s only dead tired.

0:56:50

Singularity 22 Cinematography Damien has his thinking cap on 123WTF Saint Pauly
Damien has his thinking cap on

0:59:04 Now Damien is scanning Andrew/Ax-9’s brain because:

You have been with her long enough to have calculated Aurora’s location.

WTF!? This is not how learning works! If this were the case, my friends who went to class but took no notes and didn’t pay attention wouldn’t be losers on the dole today.

1:03:38 Calia is brought in to watch Andrew talk to philosophy with his mum in a dream state. In other words, they’re torturing her. #AndUs

Singularity 32 SC Big boys don't star in this film 123WTF Saint Pauly
“Big boys don’t star in this film.”

1:03:55

Damien: That which can’t be found, can be tempted.

WTF!?

1:05:14 Oh dear lord, Andrew was reprogrammed to choke Calia, but while he strangles her he begins kissing her because love is a virus. In a rare, double WTF, Damien leaves the lab to enter the room next door for no reason other than to let the couple escape. 

Singularity 23 SC When you make marshmallows kiss 123WTF Saint Pauly
When you make marshmallows kiss

1:10:02 Andrew kissed Calia, causing the lab blew up. WTF!? After fleeing to safety, Calia takes his hand and confesses,

I don’t care if you’re a machine.

Things you say when you’re falling in love with your dildo.

1:11:24 Do you remember that top secret city no one could figure out the location of? Well, it turns out it’s that very obvious place atop a mountain that creates a giant aurora every night, which the whole world can see. WTF!? Not very bright.

Singularity 24 SC The 'city' of Aurora 123WTF Saint Pauly
The ‘city’ of Aurora (A.K.A. the 3 little pigs’ houses)

1:14:48 The town of Aurora is no longer. The borealis came from a robot ‘city’ which created them as a decoy, I can only assume, because lord knows this film stopped trying to justify itself ages ago.

1:16:16 Damien appears and tells us that the goal of the entire film was not to find Aurora but for robot Andrew to learn to write his own code, in which case we wonder why he had to follow Calia at all in the first place. There are plot holes bigger than my ego in this bloody film.

1:17:11

Singularity 25 cinematography Pollution is up in the air 123WTF Saint Pauly
Pollution is up in the air

1:18:40 The thought I can’t prevent myself from having is, why did they need create Andrew robot in the first place? If they didn’t need to find Aurora and don’t need Andrew to write his own code but instead only want to destroy humanity with a massive bombing raid, why didn’t they simply do this at the outset? This entire film is an unnecessary evil.

Singularity 26 cinematography White eyes matter 123WTF Saint Pauly
White eyes matter

1:20:32 Oh ffs, the random bunker the children decided to hide in happens to also be a spaceship that will take them to a planetary system called Aurora if they use their pendant as a key. I’ve seen better stories on food labels.

1:22:37 The ‘imminent impact of missiles in 30 seconds’ countdown started 1 minute and 16 seconds ago.

Singularity 29 SC Missiles have no class 123WTF Saint Pauly
And here I thought their mssiles had no class

1:26:42 Elias doesn’t care if he accomplishes his goal of finding Aurora. Instead, he decides to kill Damien, his partner, because why would this film choose to start making sense this late in the game?

1:27:16 This is literally the face John Cusack makes throughout the whole of the film. If the person with whom you were making love made this face, would you get excited? Or would you think “this whore is only in it for the money”?

Singularity 27 SC Facing boredom 123WTF Saint Pauly
Facing boredom

1:27:18 Elias says he will launch an attack on the humans populating Aurora, which makes no sense because the film began with Kronos wanting to destroy humans to make earth safe. The humans have all left the planet, so you’ve won, mate! 

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 27 singular ones
  • When to Follow: Don’t watch this movie. Ever. If someone puts a gun to your head and tells you watch this film, insist they pull the trigger because death would be better than watching this movie.
  • Where’s This Found: The story was drunkenly scrawled onto the last squares of toilet paper in a loo that breeds things only fire can kill, and when the writer/director made the film the next day with a hangover, he decided the parts he couldn’t understand were to be filmed exactly like that. Then John Cusack came in for one day to stand in a room and read lines for a dollar, and the producers used his name to dupe other people into doing the film. The stars are so bad they can’t even act out and the sets were a green room where the crew couldn’t think of anything more exciting than that. Make no mistake, this is the worst film of the year. When people talk about a disgusting film covering pond water, this is the film they mean. Out of a possible 10, I have 1 F to give for the low budget CGI effects.

  • What To Feedback:

I bet you can’t name a worse film than this one! If you think you have one, please mention it in the comments and let the community decide!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Singularity 31 SC What fell on the city 123WTF Saint Pauly
Night isn’t the only thing that fell on this town

Prints suitable for reposting!

WTF!? did they say?

Singularity 33 WTFDTS Shouldn't I have a weapon 123WTF Saint Pauly
Here’s ‘something’

WTF!? do you meme?

Singularity 34 meme Another bright idea 123WTF Saint Pauly

Singularity 35 meme This tampon is the worst 123WTF Saint Pauly

Singularity 36 meme A bad ass with no ass 123WTF Saint Pauly

What to Follow Up

123WTF review of the Star Wars Christmas Special
123WTF review of Warcraft
123WTF review of Warcraft

Bar None Review

Bar None review of Doctor Strange

366 Weird Movies

366 Weird Movies review of Buckaroo Banzai…

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8 thoughts on “WTF: Singularity (2017)

  1. Awesome “review”, infinitely more entertaining than this monstrosity. Worst of the year? Undoubtedly. Quite possibly worst of the millennium.

    Minor point – it’s not CGI NY, that’s modern day Hong Kong, mildly modified 🙂

    Great stuff!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hallo Dean!

      Thank you so much for the kind words. An inordinate amount of time goes into crafting these ‘reviews’ (out of love, to be sure), that I’m always happy to learn I’m not solely doing it for my own personal gratification.

      And I appreciate the correction! Leave it to a Brit to no nothing of two continents and not simply one. I’m off to change the caption!

      WTF Dean (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  2. Thanks for saving me a couple of hours. 🙂 Ol’ Johnny boy must’ve fallen on hard times. It’s been risky watching anything with him on the title cards for years now. As to your challenge for a worse movie, without seeing this one I’m comfortable submitting Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room” as a contender.

    -TK

    Like

    1. Hallo TK!

      My pleasure! Only too happy to help.

      And yes, so true that his name on a cast list no longer means what it used to. Similar to Nicolas Cage, in fact, except that Cage was never a good actor and Cusak had his day.

      As for the The Room, funny you should mention that! I’m in the middle of working on a review for that as we speak! Thanks for your patronage and for your lovely comment. Please come back again soon!

      WTF TK (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  3. There were certainly more plot holes than average. But the CGI was good, and the idea itself was interesting, even though the execution sucked. Plus, about a third of the criticism is leveled at initial misunderstanding of things that actually ended up making sense. But yeah, a lot of it fell flat on it’s face.

    You say you challenge me to name a worse movie? Challenge accepted!

    But believe me when I say, I have seen some sh*t, and this wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen a whole mess of different movies. I’ve only seen the really bad ones because I look for good movies where few others do, and I’m often rewarded, but sometimes I end up in the middle of trash, or worse. Here are some movies way worse than this one:

    Space Milkshake (the villain in this movie is a talking rubber duckie that mutates into an alien squid octopus thing, the only good thing in this movie was Kristin Kreuk, but they messed that up when her character gets killed by her parallel universe robot self who electrocutes you if you touch her, but somehow turns out not to be the evil one)
    Ghostbusters (the new one, because feminism ruins everything)
    Starship Apocalypse I and II (terrible acting, stupid storyline, half of it came across as propaganda dressed up as scifi; I may agree with some of the propaganda, but I still don’t like that the movie is propaganda)
    I can’t remember the name of it, because it wasn’t worth remembering. If DVD’s still existed it would be a coaster. It was about scientists locked underground and somehow a nuclear holocaust happens, and in a few hours the whole world became post-apocalyptic, but the kind that looks like it’s been that way for decades even though it’s only been a few hours, kind of like that episode of South Park where they resort to cannibalism after being snowed in for a hour. They could have at least done some 80s special effects. The city didn’t look like it was nuked, and the so-called mutants looked completely normal and somehow pass out at dusk because they need the sun’s energy, and for some reason this means they have to kill all nonmutated people? It was a dumb excuse to make a movie that was nothing but kung fu dudes showing off.
    Every Uwe Bole movie ever made. This guy made fun of the victims of 9/11. Enough said.
    Beyond the Call of Duty. (I didn’t even watch this one, but I didn’t have to figure out that they deliberately made it look like the similarly named game to get your attention so you’d waste two hours of your life watching a piece of trash. Basically, the guy who made this movie is either Uwe Bole or he’s wants to be really badly.)
    The Road by Mel Gibson (hours of misery that you keep watching because you think it’s about to get better, but never fails to disappoint you with additional misery, I mean, the guy could have been just a little bit more resourceful, maybe a fully loaded shotgun instead of a revolver with two suicide bullets, maybe a sniper rifle to shoot the cannibals before they can kill a mother and her child? No? That’s why the movie sucks. It could have been great, but every opportunity to do so was wasted by deliberately making it suck. I watched this back when we had DVD’s, and it now protects my desk from the wet ring left behind by my can of Coke)
    A Boy and His Dog (Worst movie ever. You keep waiting for some glimmer of conscience from the boy, but it becomes increasingly clear that he is a sex-crazed, misogynist, rapist who doesn’t really care about anybody except (probably) his telepathic dog, and they make you question that. And you finally get that glimmer of conscience, when the boy feeds the girl he wanted to his dog to save him from starvation. I know. Someone was twisted enough to write an ending like that AS IF it were supposed to be some kind of heartfelt ending where the boy realises what’s truly important and sacrifices the thing he thought he wanted for his best friend… except they ate a girl, who might have been the only decent person you saw in that movie. WTF? ) You know what? I rest my case, A Boy and His Dog is THE worst film ever.

    I know I’ve seen a couple other really bad ones, but my memory of them is fuzzy and I’ve put enough here. I take everything literally, so challenge me to name better movies next time.

    Anyway… Challenge completed. Mic dropped. Burn. Whatever… I’m out…

    Like

    1. Hallo Daryl!

      Loved, loved, loved your comment! I thought I’d made an effort to dumpster dive when I started my collection of Mockbusters, but you…! Wow! Thank you so much for your comment. Of course you were wrong about the Ghostbusters reboot because there’s nothing wrong with women, but the rest of your list was majestic.

      Now I’m tempted to review A Boy and His Dog… What do you think?

      Thanks once more for sharing your encyclopaedic knowledge of cinema!

      WTF Daryl (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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