I shall be scouring The Room, examining its nooks and crannies and testing its 4th wall to decide if it’s accessible or should be condemned. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Room, or don’t plan to.
0:02:26 While The Room is often considered by many to be the worst film ever made (especially those who haven’t seen Left Behind), so far it’s not so bad. Then again, there’s been no dialogue or acting yet.
0:03:12 Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) arrives home late with the gift of a dress for his girlfriend Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Tommy Wiseau wrote, directed, produced and stars in The Room: he’s bit off more than he could chew, and this film is what he’s spit out.
0:03:18 A young lad, Denny (Philip Haldiman), steps out of an American sitcom and into The Room.
Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.
Denny: Can I go upstairs, too?
Don’t you mean, “Can I come, too?”
With the bad overdub, Tommy Wiseau looks like a dummy controlled by a drunken ventriloquist.
0:04:28 WTF!? Lisa and Johnny do sex talk all the way upstairs and into the bedroom, but once in bed, they just have a pillow fight and Denny jumps in bed with them!? Instead of getting upset that Denny’s perving on them, Johnny and Lisa begin tickling the boy. If this film were porn, that would go a long way towards excusing the sets, the acting, and the dialogue.
Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
The only way for this film to be more porn would be to have Denny deliver a pizza.
0:05:59 After Denny leaves to do his homework (so he’s not a voyeur, he’s an underage voyeur), Lisa and Johnny decide to dance. First Lisa takes her hair down and then, 2 seconds later, it’s back up again. Either there’s a continuity problem, or Lisa would rather do her hair than do Johnny.
0:08:01 My favourite part of this sex scene is how they dub in laughter at the most inopportune moments. Maybe the film is simply picking up my internal dialogue.
0:09:48 The following morning…
Johnny: Did you like last night?
Mate, if you have to ask…
0:12:02 Lisa’s mother arrives (Carolyn Minnott as Claudette) and Lisa confesses she wants to leave Johnny, her fiancé.
Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.
Lisa: He’s so…boring.
After what we saw last night, we can’t help but agree. Also, pot – kettle.
0:10:57 Here’s the list of reasons Lisa’s mother gives for her daughter to stay with Johnny. Which one is the most important for you? (There’ll be a test at the end of this post.)
- He supports you
- He provides for you
- He’s a wonderful man
- He loves you very much
- His position is very secure
- He plans to buy you a house.
- He’s a wonderful person [not just a wonderful man, it would seem]
- He’s getting a promotion soon [WTF, how would his fiancée’s mother know?]
- He bought you a car
- He bought you a ring
- He bought you clothes
- He bought you whatever you wanted
This list is all the more interesting when you remember Tommy Wiseau wrote it about himself.
0:11:55 In the face of such arguments, Lisa acquiesces.
Claudette: I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.
Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.
This joke is even funnier when you realise it isn’t a joke.
0:13:28 Lisa rings some hottie and states she refuses to listen to her mum and she’ll do as she pleases. I’d assume the bloke is her lover, except he recommends she stay with Johnny. And he’s super hot.
[N.B. If you look closely at the above screenshot, you can see a reflection of Tommy filming in the lens of Mark’s glasses.]
0:13:52 They make an appointment to see each other at noon the following day, and after the shot of a San Francisco trolley, it’s suddenly noon the next day. Time flies when you don’t care.
0:15:41 Aha! He’s Johnny’s best friend! I think I’m so surprised as I didn’t expect someone like Johnny to have a friend…
[N.B. Mark is Johnny’s best friend in the film and Greg Sestero, the actor who plays Mark, is Tommy’s bff in real life. Proof of this is that there are 7 mentions of Tommy and Mark being best friends in The Room. As long as we’re riding the FWIW train, I’ll point out that Greg Sestro is also the author of the ‘making of’ book The Disaster Artist, which was made into a film starring James Franco as Wiseau.]
0:17:32 WTF!? Lisa throws herself at Mark and he turns her down until they’re in bed together.
0:19:41 After a terrible sex scene…
Mark: God. Why did you do this to me?
It wasn’t God, mate, and not even Lisa. Like the single man who went on a couple’s retreat, you did it to yourself.
0:21:17 He should’ve nipped this scene in the bud.
0:23:27 Johnny didn’t get his promotion! And Lisa can’t find a job!
Lisa: You’re right, Johnny. The computer business is too competitive.
Now we know what Lisa’s job is: the computer business.
0:25:14 Despite insisting he doesn’t drink alcohol, Lisa pours him a whiskey-vodka (a.k.a. a WTF), then they proceed to get as wasted as the time spent watching this film.
0:26:44 Lol, yet another sex scene! This time drunk Johnny and Lisa go at it again.
[N.B. Let’s talk about sex scenes. Apparently, Tommy Wiseau was so enamoured with the overall feel of the first sex scene that he wrote another one into the film. Sadly, yet understandably, actress Juliette Danielle was not as keen on the idea, so Tommy simply pasted together cut scenes from the first sex scene to make the second.]
Claudette: Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.
Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.
Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it.
An expert opinion from someone with a degree in Computer Business.
0:28:39 Then Lisa turns on her man, telling her mum that Johnny didn’t get his promotion, but got drunk instead and hit her. Johnny’s so tame, he can’t even hit the sack.
Lisa: He didn’t get his promotion and he got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Claudette: Johnny doesn’t drink!
But he hits?
0:31:04 A random couple arrive in the now empty room and have enough time to make up axioms like, “Chocolate is the symbol of love”. This before the woman initiates oral sex, to which her partner responds with this facial expression:
0:31:20 Lisa and her mum enter and interrupt the pair in whatever it is they believe they’re doing. Lisa says Michelle (Robyn Paris) and Mike (Mike Holmes) must go do their homework. Judging from their age, they need to do more than that because they’re in their 20’s and still in high school.
0:32:16 Lisa tells her mum that Johnny wanted to adopt Denny the perv, and since the lad turned 18, he’s been renting an apartment for Denny.
Lisa: I told you, mom. Johnny is very caring about the people in his life.
No, that’s the opposite of what you told her. What you told her was that he was a drinker who beats you.
0:34:52 A thug in a knit cap (Dan Janjigian as Chris-R) arrives and insists – holding Denny at gunpoint – that Denny give him “the money”. Fortunately, Johnny and Mark arrive, then Lisa and her mum, to take the thug to to police. Maybe they should also take Lisa, as she’s running out of men to sleep with.
0:35:09 Denny admits to buying drugs and Lisa acts as though she’s on them. If you call that acting.
0:36:35 Exactly 1 minute and 43 seconds later, Johnny and Mark return. Either the police officer was closer than country cousins or Mark & Johnny just gave up and left Chris-R out front to deal to the locals.
0:37:37 Lisa rings Mark while Johnny’s in the shower and throws herself at him over the phone.
Mark: We agreed, it’s over between us.
Lisa: I understand. It’s our secret.
0:38:20 Mark talks to Johnny about women who cheat and Johnny can’t see what’s as plain as the nose on Mark’s face.
0:42:32 Still on the rooftop, Denny confesses that he loves Lisa. Johnny tells him not to worry about it. Then Denny says he loves Elizabeth. Denny’s a Don Wanna.
0:43:48 Lisa tells Michelle the same lie she told her mum, and then says she’s having an affair with Mark. Michelle predicts something awful is going to happen. Doesn’t she realise it’s already happening, and she’s got a supporting role in it?
0:46:13 Johnny comes home and Michelle leaves. Despite all of her claims that she never wanted to hurt Johnny, Lisa starts the conversation by explaining she’s changed her mind about the wedding.
Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?
Johnny: Do you understand life?
There’s an unexpected comeback.
0:49:31 WTF!? Claudette tells Lisa she’s disappointed in Johnny because he hesitated to pay the down payment on a house for one of her friend’s! I wouldn’t even do that for my own mum, let alone some friend of my fiancée’s mum.
0:50:17 Johnny overhears Lisa tell Claudette she’s had sex with another man. Johnny’s reaction? “How can they say this about me?” Johnny makes more fun of himself than I ever could.
0:51:12 Johnny decides to spy on Lisa using the latest in hi-tech surveillance equipment (and an audio cassette he keeps in his jacket pocket). Remember, this film was made in 2003.
0:53:54 Johnny, Mark and a random psychologist called Peter (Kyle Vogt) are having a conversation and Mark admits to having an affair with a married woman. He says he can’t present her to Johnny who says, “You mean she’s too old, or you think I would take her away from you?” Maybe he thinks you’re a thick, sexist knob.
0:54:12 After Johnny has spent most of the conversation whinging to Peter about Lisa, there’s this exchange.
Johnny: I have my own problems.
Peter: Tell me about your problems, Johnny.
Johnny: Peter! You always play psychologist with us!
With this lot, there’s no ‘playing’ psychologist. It’d be a full time job.
0:55:01 Reference is made to an event called Bay to Breakers, which is a foot race from the San Francisco Bay to Ocean Beach where many runners wear costumes. The psychologist says he won’t run it this year because, “There are just too many weirdos there.” The psychologist says this! WTF!?
0:59:30 Later, Peter and Mark are alone on the roof and when Peter conjectures that Mark and Lisa are having an affair Mark threatens to kill him.
Peter: What are you, nuts!?
Again, Peter is the psychologist.
1:01:54 WTF!? The film jumps 3 weeks into the future and it’s suddenly the wedding day? What the hell happened with Lisa in the interim? What happened between Mark and Lisa? Why can’t they find tuxedos that fit?
[N.B. We will later learn (see 1:14:38) this is not Tommy’s wedding. We will, in fact, never learn why this is happening. According to user “dpora” on the RiffTrax forum, the special features section of the DVD contains a Q&A sequence that goes as follows:
Q:Why are the characters playing football in tuxedos, and why just three feet apart?
Tommy Wiseau: I think people should realize that playing football, without any gear and a special big huge field, it’s fun! So you can play football in tuxedos, you can play three feet apart, the idea is to have fun. So I would recommend to anyone to try it!
My personal take on it is that, in Tommy Wiseau’s world, wedding photos are taken one month before the wedding. When Denny enters the room, he tell Johnny, “You look really handsome! Your wedding pictures are gonna look great.”]
1:02:51 WTF again!? Peter falls at the traditional, pre-wedding American football game (WTF!?) and then the scene cuts to a cafe. No more mention is made of the marriage, which one would have thought would be a climactic moment in the film. But no, instead we have this discussion.
Mark: It’s not that easy, Johnny.
Johnny: You should be happy, Mark.
Best. Advice. Ever.
1:04:08 Or this…
Johnny: We got a new client, and the bank will make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you. It’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on. Why not?
Johnny: No, I can’t. Anyway, how’s your sex life?
1:05:05 Scene: Johnny and Lisa’s bedroom. Lisa is rubbing against Mark and Mark asks that question on everyone’s mind.
What’s going on here?
1:05:25 Another sex scene! That noise they’re making is the sound of your libido being removed.
1:10:42 Michelle pops in for a visit and catches Lisa and Mark doing 2play (½ foreplay). Everyone has a great laugh, apparently it’s a funny affair.
Mark: I can come in [to the bank for a loan], like, in the late afternoon?
Johnny: Absolutely. 8:00?
Mark: Really? Right on!
What can they tell us when they can’t even tell time?
1:14:38 Claudette visits her daughter and says Lisa should marry Johnny. So the scene in the tuxedos wasn’t a marriage. It was a fantasy interlude with a unicorn shortage.
1:19:40 Lol! At Johnny’s surprise party, Lisa says, “Hey, everybody, let’s go outside for some fresh air.” Then, as everyone leaves, she grabs Mark so they’re alone in the flat and can make out on the sofa. So now it’s an “I’m not surprised” party.
1:28:56 Uh oh, a random party dweeb (Greg Ellery as Steven) who evidently hates fresh air comes back into the flat and catches the couple’s red hands on each other’s bodies.
[N.B. Kyle Vogt, the actor who portrays Peter the psychologist, had to leave before all his scenes were shot because of a prior acting commitment. That explains why his character, Peter, is not at the party at the end. Peter’s lines were given to Steven (Greg Ellery), a completely new character who unexpectedly shows up at Johnny’s birthday party.]
Mark: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket.
Seems as though Mark learned comebacks from YouTube comments.
Johnny: Thank you, honey. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!
The shit on his mind should fertilise that face plant.
1:22:14 Then, on a whim, Johnny announces to the crowd that he and Lisa are expecting. Lisa whispers to Michelle and Steven that she only told him this to make things interesting. Like Lisa, I’m expecting — expecting that Johnny will overact to this news.
1:24:06 Trouble in paradise? Who knows but there’s definitely trouble in this room! Mark and Lisa get in a shouting match (that no one next to them can hear) about who’s fathered the imaginary baby.
1:24:38 Lisa slaps Mark and Johnny comes running. After a brief tussle with his bff, they shake hands, make up and he tells Lisa to clean the mess. Mates before maids.
1:25:03 WTF!? Now Lisa and Mark are dirty dancing in the middle of the living room. Mark and Johnny get in another shoving match, accusations are bandied about and Johnny storms off like a petulant child who says he doesn’t love you anymore.
1:30:06 Johnny locks himself in the bathroom until the next morning, judging by the light coming in through the windows, while Lisa and Mark make plans over the phone to hump like whales that got back. Johnny plays his espionage cassette tape. His heart breaks, but the cassette machine doesn’t when he throws it against the wall.
1:32:34 After Lisa leaves him, Johnny throws a temper tantrum, picks up a gun, and commits suicide. Mark and Lisa run into the room and Mark tells him to wake up. Evidently, I’m not the only one who thinks this is a bad dream.
Lisa [choking on her sobs]: I’ve lost him but I still have you, right? Right?
Mark: You don’t have me! You’ll never have me! You killed him.
Lisa: Mark, now we’re free to be together. I love you. I love you.
Mark: You tramp. You killed him. You’re the cause of all of this.
WTF, Mark!? You need to take some responsibility for your actions, you little bitch. I’m well off the Mark.
1:35:24 Now Denny runs in and tells Johnny to wake up. Evidently a lot of us share the ‘bad dream’ theory.
Lisa: Denny, he’s in a better place.
Yes, out of this film.
- WTF!?’s: 17 without reservations
- When to Follow: There is never not a good time to watch The Room.
- Where’s This Found: Not to be confused with Room, The Room is like a bad porn film with no porn, or kindergarten art with too many sex scenes. The film tries so hard to be liked that we like to make fun of it, yet we do this out of love and not animosity. Because it’s impossible to hate The Room as Wiseau means so well. He’s opening his heart and soul to us and, though he does it badly, he cannot be faulted for his sincerity. If this were a CGI money grab, it would’ve been laughed off and forgotten (and called Singularity), but here the juvenile approach mixed with the deep, infantile emotions remind us of those parts we love to miss in ourselves. Out of a possible 10, I have 8 F’s to give, if we’re talking about my appreciation of the opus. If we’re talking abut it’s technical merit, I might have to revise that ranking.
- What To Feedback: Of all the reasons Claudette gave Lisa to stay with Johnny, which are the best (you can answer more than once)
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Remember that one time Red Bull owned Tommy Wiseau on Instagram?
See, what’s happened here is that Tommy posted a photo of himself signing a can of Red Bull on his Instagram page (@TommyWiseau), along with a message:
Sponsor me @RedBull
To which Red Bull responded,
Oh, hi @TommyWiseau
effectively parodying this scene in The Room:
Well played, Red Bull. Well played.
Left over photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
Bar None Review
366 Weird Movies
If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook!
It’s the easiest — and nicest! — way to say ‘Thank you’.